Me and Gaming

Back when I was a little teen, my father didn't want me playing online games. I had a pc since I was 6 years old, starting out with MS Dos. After that, everytime running a different windows when they got it released. My father has a high function in a pc company, so back in the days he could use my pc to upgrade and test things out.

Kitsu Saga

Anyway the first time I started playing an MMO, I got hooked. I loved the diversity that single player games didn't have. I wasn't ready for the community either, but I got along quite well with guildies. I've played Shaiya for almost 2 years. I did take breaks. Then I would play Kitsu Saga. Another game which left a huge impact on my life. This game caused me to find my best online friend, Ro. I loved him so much I started calling him my brother. After Kitsu Saga died, we kept in touch and I've always kept on looking for a game like that. Meanwhile Ro also went on with his life and we talked less.

Shaiya

That's when I found TERA. I started playing this with my first ever bf (after we broke up, we stayed friends), Mtarnuhal. We started out on a pvp server, then switched to a pve server because of high levels camping 24/7 which annoyed me as f*ck xD. There I started my own very first guild. I assumed Mtarnuhal would reign with me but after a while it appeared he thought differently. There was a coup. I thought I did a good job and the guild was very tight, but some people started stirring to create conflict amongst officers and the other members. Causing to doubt me. The reason they gave me eventually was "that I'm too emotional".

Well then, you try fighting your way through every day! BPD is hard. It sucks. Every day is a f*cking struggle. And of course I missed my contact with Ro, and my current bf only trashed me. I felt involved with people who loved me, who trusted me, who put their confidence in me. I worked hard ever day for the sake of the guild and all people in it. I made plenty of sacrifices to be there when they needed me.
Anyhow, I had no choice but to stand down, watching them take over. I did it for the sake of the community we had built up. Or as it would seem, I had built up by myself. Sadly, they let it die not long after. My sacrifice was in vain, as I watched it getting torn apart more and more. They even ignored me when it was my birthday. I decided to quit the game because it became too hard on me.

Looking back, this has been a huge impact on my life (roughly 4 years of playing). I decided to stop putting my trust in people that I could never really know. To be more confident in myself, and to do more on my own. I have never gotten back that joy and feeling "like I could belong somewhere", I once had in TERA. Not in any other game. I became more distant to gaming itself. By then, it had become something to pass time with. It still is.

I decided to start streaming at some point, hoping I could connect with others that way. Unfortionately, all I got was people telling me they wanted to see my boobs. Not my gameplay. I was emotionally lost for quite some time. Over the past years only 3 games (Minecraft, League of Legends, Starcraft II) have accomplished keeping me interested, and thats not because of the community.

StarCraft II

For a while I've been a game tester (and reviewer) for Black Shell Media. Unfortionately they stopped mailing keys for almost a year now. I contacted them about it and they told me they were working on it. Apparently there are some complications with key distributing. Its a real shame, because I really enjoyed doing this. Sure I've played games that were totally not my thing but I was allowed to write reviews for games. It made me feel like I was needed, that I did matter to somebody at least.

Last year Mtarnuhal came to me. I had just hooked up with a new boyfriend, Slayerkane, who encouraged me to play and stream more. I'm still a noob though, and I'm not so sure people like to watch me play...
Anyway. He came with an idea to start a gaming community. A place where gamers could meet and contact eachother. I immediately told him I was in. After all, I was still searching for that feeling I once had in TERA. I hope I can one day find it. Be here, or somewhere else.

My constant search and everyday struggle reflect on what I show on stream and in my videos. Add hearing loss to that and well... Sometimes I just really doubt I fit in. So if you're reading this, know that you're not the only one! We all have our moments. Our ups and downs. And who knows, one day you might be able to beat that one feeling you once had. Maybe not. But don't give up! Find people like you. People like me. Join Reliant Dragons :)