To me, friends are not just people you care for. That's something that has to be mutual, or it isn't real. Aside from that, friends are the people you want to care for, help them whenever they need you. And again, so should they for you. The people you want to share your joy with, but also your anger or sadness. And they should be there for you. Just as you should be there for them.
Especially the latter made me realise last year that I don't really have any friends. Yes, the ones I considered friends, were people I would cross the earth for if I could. I would do anything to get a smile on their face. Hug them when needed, support them when needed. And so I did. For YEARS. But when the time came and I needed my friends, there weren't any. Well, my parents were there of course, but that is a different matter entirely. Apparently none of them felt the way I did. And that gave me a feeling of loneliness.
Humans are naturally creatures that seek eachother out. Loneliness is something not many can handle. Therefore you always find them in groups, or at least in company of others.
There are some exceptions, of course. The ones you would call "Loners". People who choose not to group up, instead find their peace in the solitude. I'm a loner too. Just not by choice. Yet I learned to accept this fact (the cats really help).
It wasn't just loneliness last year, I also felt betrayed. Betrayed that nobody would actually care about me. That people were just taking advantage of me instead. I was angry, sad and alone. Many years ago that would lead to cutting myself. I'm glad I'm long past that. I decided to embrace the solitude instead. Trust only myself and help nobody else but me. It was time to put myself first. I was done with fake friends.
I'm pretty sure some of those people would just account it to me instead of themselves. Of course it's so much easier to blame someone else than to see your own errors. I've never been like that. No, I've always been the one to get the blame. From everyone. Even if there was no ground for it at all. I learned to accept that I was always in the wrong. But no more. Last year I shut that door. Nobody cares for me, that's fine. But that also means that nobody is to blame me anymore. I cut myself loose from fake friendships and loose ends in my life.
It feels alot better now. I'm used to being by myself, I have few I consider friends. And I know I can't expect too much, so I'm not expecting anything at all. One would call it aquiantances instead, but I'll let them say friend. I'm just focussing on me now. After all these years of putting others before me, I'm all that counts now. No more caring for others. You might think that's sad, but for me its liberating. It feels like I'm a little more free. Of course I still have a long way to go with everything that's going on in my life, but I'm getting there at least. And I'm not sad about it anymore. I can look at it with a positive face.
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