Black Desert Online

The most anticipated game of 2016!
And, of course I started playing this too. My never ending search of commitment and need of feeling part of a game/guild came to an end. Well, that's what I thought anyway. Truth is, I started playing this on my own. I'm actually kind of a loner when it comes to these games. When I'm not head of a guild (or any high rank) I don't feel like I fit in. I have trouble adjusting. I guess I just want to feel needed... Or something like that.

For a while, that was fine. I was waiting on a friend to invite me to a guild. But soon I started feeling left out. It took a long time before he even invited me, because of his own grinding with parties they made on beforehand. You see, there were different packages you could buy. My friend and a bunch of people I know got the most expensive pack and had a 3 day head start on us. Before the game launched they discussed tactics etc on what to rush. I'm not a rusher, so I was left out on this.

After a while, I got bored of grinding. It's just not my thing. My friend helped me out, but he was complaining about me being unable to keep up (I kinda died alot in the process) and him having to spend alot of gold on pots. I get that, I really do. I'm just not a hardcore grinder and without good gear you just die if you're not careful. As a novice witch (really I didn't even know my combos yet), I had a hard time keeping up with a full fledged ranger that knew exactly what to do and when to do it. Anyhow, of course I was grateful. My friend told me to grind more, for silver (the in-game money). But I just couldn't do it. I was alone all the time, undergeared and it was just nagging on me.

I went for a knowledge hunt instead. Doing quests, talking to NPCs to raise amity etc. Somewhere along the quests I got lost. I went back to grinding every now and then because I didn't know what to do anymore. Black Desert is huge. It has a huge amount of content, and you get overloaded with quests. As a new player this was very intimidating. I didn't realize it would. Anyway, nobody was my level, nor did they want to make a second char to level with me. I was stuck on quests, grinding got boring, gathering took too long imo, so I started farming. (Yes I tried alot lol. I just love the diversity!)

By then I had several chars I could switch on, and I found out that knowledge is shared amongst family members (your chars). This really excited me. I started to give all of my chars a different job in the game, and only kept a few to level with. Those I also used to grind knowledge with (you get knowledge on mobs after killing a random amount). I was fascinated, but the soloing got the best of me. It just got less and less interesting. Even more so because of my personal situation, the guild started falling apart... I fell back into depression and sought other things to do.

I went back to Black Desert a while after, when I found out my new boyfriend-to-be (we werent really together yet), was also playing it. We made a new guild and we played together sometimes. He is a hardcore grinder, so we also had several chars we played solo and the game was more interesting to me. However, I was of course much more interested in him at that point. We played more League of Legends than BDO, so again it died on my end (also because my farm got removed due inactivity T^T). He also didn't play it much anymore (just logging sometimes for event) after he moved in with me.

Just recently, BDO launched a new class. This got him playing again and he asked me to join him. He has a job like every normal person, I dont. But thats good, because now I can actually keep up with him! xD I still get distracted alot in the game, but they added some new content (daily rewards based on levels, life levels and knowledge) which actually gets me going! We dont really play together that much now, but hes with me in the same room. I think that's what I was missing, an actual person next to me playing games. Just like me. Just so I'm not alone, even if I play solo. I love it like this.

We dont really have much people online in the guild. That's because they work too, they have their own lives filled with gfs, kids, family, work, hobbies and other stuff. I feel connected again. And it feels good. They all know I have a limited hearing and they're okay with it. It means alot to me, to actually be accepted. This is what a community does. And I hope we can make even more connections with other gamers. Gamers like my bf, bold and hardcore. Gamers like me, insecure, at times and just a little different from the usual. And of course... Gamers like you!

Join Reliant Dragons ;-)

Me and Gaming

Back when I was a little teen, my father didn't want me playing online games. I had a pc since I was 6 years old, starting out with MS Dos. After that, everytime running a different windows when they got it released. My father has a high function in a pc company, so back in the days he could use my pc to upgrade and test things out.

Kitsu Saga

Anyway the first time I started playing an MMO, I got hooked. I loved the diversity that single player games didn't have. I wasn't ready for the community either, but I got along quite well with guildies. I've played Shaiya for almost 2 years. I did take breaks. Then I would play Kitsu Saga. Another game which left a huge impact on my life. This game caused me to find my best online friend, Ro. I loved him so much I started calling him my brother. After Kitsu Saga died, we kept in touch and I've always kept on looking for a game like that. Meanwhile Ro also went on with his life and we talked less.

Shaiya

That's when I found TERA. I started playing this with my first ever bf (after we broke up, we stayed friends), Mtarnuhal. We started out on a pvp server, then switched to a pve server because of high levels camping 24/7 which annoyed me as f*ck xD. There I started my own very first guild. I assumed Mtarnuhal would reign with me but after a while it appeared he thought differently. There was a coup. I thought I did a good job and the guild was very tight, but some people started stirring to create conflict amongst officers and the other members. Causing to doubt me. The reason they gave me eventually was "that I'm too emotional".

Well then, you try fighting your way through every day! BPD is hard. It sucks. Every day is a f*cking struggle. And of course I missed my contact with Ro, and my current bf only trashed me. I felt involved with people who loved me, who trusted me, who put their confidence in me. I worked hard ever day for the sake of the guild and all people in it. I made plenty of sacrifices to be there when they needed me.
Anyhow, I had no choice but to stand down, watching them take over. I did it for the sake of the community we had built up. Or as it would seem, I had built up by myself. Sadly, they let it die not long after. My sacrifice was in vain, as I watched it getting torn apart more and more. They even ignored me when it was my birthday. I decided to quit the game because it became too hard on me.

Looking back, this has been a huge impact on my life (roughly 4 years of playing). I decided to stop putting my trust in people that I could never really know. To be more confident in myself, and to do more on my own. I have never gotten back that joy and feeling "like I could belong somewhere", I once had in TERA. Not in any other game. I became more distant to gaming itself. By then, it had become something to pass time with. It still is.

I decided to start streaming at some point, hoping I could connect with others that way. Unfortionately, all I got was people telling me they wanted to see my boobs. Not my gameplay. I was emotionally lost for quite some time. Over the past years only 3 games (Minecraft, League of Legends, Starcraft II) have accomplished keeping me interested, and thats not because of the community.

StarCraft II

For a while I've been a game tester (and reviewer) for Black Shell Media. Unfortionately they stopped mailing keys for almost a year now. I contacted them about it and they told me they were working on it. Apparently there are some complications with key distributing. Its a real shame, because I really enjoyed doing this. Sure I've played games that were totally not my thing but I was allowed to write reviews for games. It made me feel like I was needed, that I did matter to somebody at least.

Last year Mtarnuhal came to me. I had just hooked up with a new boyfriend, Slayerkane, who encouraged me to play and stream more. I'm still a noob though, and I'm not so sure people like to watch me play...
Anyway. He came with an idea to start a gaming community. A place where gamers could meet and contact eachother. I immediately told him I was in. After all, I was still searching for that feeling I once had in TERA. I hope I can one day find it. Be here, or somewhere else.

My constant search and everyday struggle reflect on what I show on stream and in my videos. Add hearing loss to that and well... Sometimes I just really doubt I fit in. So if you're reading this, know that you're not the only one! We all have our moments. Our ups and downs. And who knows, one day you might be able to beat that one feeling you once had. Maybe not. But don't give up! Find people like you. People like me. Join Reliant Dragons :)